This time, my date had diarrhea.
I have been blown off with a multitude of lame excuses…Thunder game tickets (ok, this is legit but I was still mad), passed out drunk, had a sty (lame) and a number of other lies, but this time, the guy was having some gut issues.
Let’s go on a little flashback with a candidate from Snatch.com…..I’ll call him Dewey. Dewey was very interested in the Dirty Librarian fantasy. Our conversations consisted mostly of me thwarting dirty talk. You can make baking cookies sound really suggestive without actually saying anything naughty. (<<< spin doctor!)
Dewey was fresh out of a divorce. Had been married for over a decade. He was really cute. Had a sharp wit and sense of humor like a junior high boy. We finally agreed to go see a movie on a Friday night—The Avengers.
Of course, the day comes, he calls, and I’m not surprised. He says he’s having stomach issues and shouldn’t be far from his bathroom. He adds that what he really needs is someone to bring him Pepto.
So……I break my no-going-to-stranger’s-houses rule, but only after texting my friend his full name and address, and take him some Pepto and library DVDs.
I arrived at his house. It was a nice house, in a nice neighborhood. The burlap wreath from his married life was still on the front door and his neighbors were in the driveway. I felt like a Jezebel as I drove up…chickened out, drove around the block, and then came back to park and hurry in wondering what the neighbors thought.
This boy was FINE. Out of my league fine. But no amount of good looks in the world can make a man with diarrhea sexy.
The date was pretty uneventful. I was nervous and also afraid of catching his ailment so I stayed on the other side of the room. I sat so still, like a statue. I was super fun! He put in both DVDs. Totally could have left after the first one but stayed through the second for some reason.
Then he ghosted me.
Later, I learned that his son was in one of my daughter’s classes. When I asked her if she knew him, she said “eww, yes.” He had drawn a penis on her drawing. I was not surprised.
Which brings me to my next topic, Dumpster Fires vs the Real Ish.
Dumpster Fire: a person or situation that is a total mess, then set on fire to intensify the craptasm that is their current state.
The Real Ish: a person who has their life together. You could have something real with them, but that is scary. I am the Real Ish.
There was this popular self-help book a few years back that made me cringe every time I saw it on the shelf. “Why Men Love Bitches.” This title is annoying because what it’s really about is how men love women who are confident and have boundaries. That’s not bitchy. The rest of that book title is How to Go from Doormat to Dreamgirl. So many problems with this….first of all, if a man treats you like a door mat, he is a jerk. Don’t deal with it. Secondly, the only dreams you have to fulfill are your own. Being someone else’s dream girl is kind of lame.
Anyway…my current conclusion is that men love women who are dumpster fires.
In a future blog I will tell the awkward story of the Mute Man dates, but the Mute Man also told me something that made me want to laugh in his face.
“I have white knight syndrome.”
He said he was attracted to women who were in financial distress. He wanted to save them.
Give. Me. A. Break.
All of the tiny independent woman cells in my body curled up in little balls and had teeny tiny seizures…
I have a friend now who is going through one of those things that shred your life into pieces. As he looks to his future, he also wants to avoid the whole dying alone thing. But, he doesn’t want the Real Ish. As a self-professed Captain Save-a-Ho, he wants a dumpster fire. He just got burned down by a dumpster fire. Some of us learn slower than others…
This realization can be a little disheartening to women who have their crap together. The message here is don’t be too successful. Don’t be too independent. Don’t have it too together, because that’s not attractive. Be vapid and helpless but don’t you dare be clingy either!
Ok, so if you are listening to that garbage, don’t let it alarm you. Because the man you want to date is confident and supportive and can handle the Real Ish. See, the man YOU want to date can build empires with you because he doesn’t need to busy himself with rescuing you from the tower. Don’t you want that guy? The one you can conquer kingdoms with? I know I do.
Though they are currently deleted, I thought about adding reviews to my online profiles….kinda of like movie trailers or book trailers. Here are some real reviews!
**I always have fun when we look at art and stuff. She’s a nice person. – D. J.
**She’s like Mother Theresa plus Joan of Arc, add a lot of spice! – B. B.
**She easy to talk to and she can cook! – S.B.
Next time…The Man Who Ate the Whole Meatball.
Anna Nicole Smith, my favorite dumpster fire.