A Brief Hiatus

I have to start by apologizing for not publishing a blog for two months. I was distracted by fifteen page essays and finals, but alas, I have completed my first semester of graduate school. Yay!

Also, I have to admit that my last experience left me slightly bitter. Since I have always been loathe to become one of “those” bitter women, I was letting that vaporize before I accidentally smeared some of that nastiness on my blog.

In addition, I haven’t been on a date since the house of cards thing but I still have stories that I said I would tell, and I promised my cousin a blog, so, here it is!

In this episode I will tell one of the most infamous stories of my brief dating life- the one about the guy who cried. I also really want to talk about the paradigm of choice like I mentioned before, as I have thought a lot about that.

(I know I’m going out of order but I will tell all of the tales eventually….my brain works in flow charts, not straight lines)

Crying Is So Ganster

So, the guy who cried. I’ll call him Pac, because in my mind he reminded me a bit of Tupac. When you look at me– then you look at him–he would be the last person most people would have expected to see me with.

Pac was a smart guy, but he was a little rough around the edges. Despite his struggles, he was a really hard worker, and he was busting his ass to make something of his life. That was some of the first things I liked about him – his intelligence and his work ethic. He was the first guy I dated from Match. We talked for a long time, but obviously nothing came of it.

He liked my poetry and often asked me to send him a poem at the end of the day. Our first date was on a rainy night in the Plaza after we had been talking and texting for a few weeks.

He was obsessed with a certain football team. OB. SESSED. He also loved 90’s hip hop, and was a good father. We went for a drink. He had lots of tattoos, including one on his neck. He was a pretty good looking guy, and frankly I was surprised that he was interested in me.

When we met, he had told me that it was recently the anniversary of his best friend’s death. Not long after, his cousin passed away. About five years prior, he had lost his father–a loss that clearly left a huge hole. After a couple of drinks (him, not me) he opened up about the losses. And, he cried. Despite the Hennessy, he was embarrassed for showing vulnerability. I thought it was endearing.

We went out two more times over the course of several months and continued talking. I liked him, but knew he and I wouldn’t be the kind of thing I was looking for. We wanted different things. Plus, he was so damn flaky.  We don’t talk anymore but I often wonder how he’s doing. Not enough to open that all back up, but still, I hope he has accomplished his goals.

The Paradigm of Choice

My dating assessment–“nobody wants to get caught up with the hot dog just in case the steak walks by,” is a very simplistic summary of the paradigm of choice. This is explored more in the book I mentioned a few blogs ago, Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. In short, back in the day most people ended up with someone who lived close to them or who they were around for some reason. Now, we have more options because of the distance eliminating internet–or so we think. Also, back in the day, women couldn’t really make it on their own. They had to pair up in order to leave their parents’ house, so marriage was the logical choice. Now, we need each other less, so we think. We can make it on our own for the most part.

We wait for the perfect person to come along and complete us like Jerry completed Dorothy—or so we think! Because Jerry was a hot mess, and Dorothy was taking a huge chance on him. As a matter of fact, Dorothy was too good for Jerry, but she was vulnerable, and a hopeless romantic, and she overlook his shortcomings to accept him for the man that he almost was.

Or……maybe Dorothy had it right after all. See, now, we are under the illusion that we have sooooo many options that no one wants to ‘settle.” No one wants to take a chance on anyone who isn’t everything they had planned and prayed and visioned for. It’s like eating at a restaurant. You’re reading the menu and everything looks really appetizing and you have a hard time making a choice, a commitment, but then eventually you do. Then maybe you are satisfied, until you are hungry again, or maybe you are disappointed because the dish you chose didn’t live up to your expectations.

So, too many options equals no choices. How do we work around that? Lower standards? Settling? Continuing to wait? Continuing to take chances, forget expectations, and see what happens? I think the last one will be my choice, when I decide I want to try this crap again. But honestly, I don’t know when that will be. I’m good here….

Next time, the guy with all the ghosts. I wasn’t going to write about him, but now I will. And, a review of Bumble.










Loose Ends 

In dating, nothing is ever secure or on a firm foundation. It’s like we are all building houses of cards instead of pouring concrete. The end result remains the same, cards fall down. Why can’t people understand that building anything substantial requires concrete?

In the right time and place, of course. Maybe if your cards hold up, you can build with straw, then sticks, then eventually bricks if the big bad wolves of the world don’t blow your house down.

In the meantime, toughen up sweetheart, because one wrong text and you are dropped like a cigarette butt out of the window during red alert fire season.  One wrong text…this has happened to me more than once. This is why actual conversations, like on the telephone, are a must! But even when those have been happening, a wrong text can still bring the whole house down.

I’m on the throes of that faux paus now. I sent a wrong text at the wrong time, but I stand by it. I have to be me, he has to like me for me, so I consider it part of the process. As I feel the cards slowly tumbling, I am reminded that we are all entitled to pursue our own happiness. That includes me.

(Update, the house of has fallen down! I repeat,  we have cards down….)

Another observation: People often have loose ends. I have tried to tie up all of mine before getting out there and inviting someone in to share my life but a lot of people don’t do that. I have a loose end detector and it makes me want to run away. I’m not sure if this is good- for protection- or bad, and causing me to miss out.

Now for some fun….

Stan, the Mostly Mute Man

The mostly mute man, I’ll call him Stan, lived in a teeny tiny town. He was 44, no kids, no ex-wives, decent job, seemed legit. I met up with him on a busy Sunday evening at a local burger bar after an out of town trip. We had drinks and things went ok. We agreed to meet again. We had coffee on a Tuesday and this is where things got a little off track.

He didn’t talk much. I was having a hard time keeping the conversation going, but chalked it up to nerves and shyness, which he claimed to have. But then, something else happened. He had an itch on the bottom of his foot. We were outside at a patio table. It was a nice fall evening. He kept trying to get at that itch on his foot.

I think feet are gross. Putting your fingers inside your shoe at the table is even grosser. But worst of all, taking off your shoe and sock to scratch your foot at the table….herp!

But, Shannon, my dating guru said to give it three dates before you decide you aren’t interested. If you think about it, that’s not much time. If each date is about 2 hours, you are summing up the entirety of a person in about 6 hours.

So we actually had 2 more dates. One was a group date, nothing much to report there. But the final date, that was the worst. We planned lunch and a movie. There was a couple of hours in between the meal and the film so we had some time to spend together. Not talking. I mean seriously, I would try to make conversation and he would answer in one word. It was the most boring date of my life. I considered phoning a friend for a rescue text.

Needless to say, there was no conversation which meant there was no chemistry.  At the end of it all, I politely thanked him and went on my way. I didn’t hear from him again until a few weeks later when he told me he was super shy, and he also discovered that he had ‘white knight syndrome.’ The way he described this syndrome was that he felt the need to rescue women in financial peril. He asked for another chance. Sorry man, you got your three.  That’s not the kind of thing I am looking for. That, and the foot thing. I can’t….(and I didn’t mention the whole thing about the 20 year old he dated before me….ummmm, gross, my son is almost 20. Nasty.) He was my last Snatch.com candidate. Thank goodness. I deleted that whack app and never looked back.

Next time, navigating communication when you don’t know what kind of thing you are in, this cool thing called Bumble, and the Guy Who Cried.

I wrecked it. Crazy.

The Small, Small World That Only Looks Big

So, I mentioned last time that I deleted my profiles. Then, I started listening to the audio book Modern Romance, by Aziz Ansari. He reads it himself, which makes it amazing. But, he calls his audiobook listeners lazy asses for not reading, and that’s not nice. Aziz, I am driving, ok!?!

Anyway, this book is hilarious, and it tackled all of the interesting online dating questions I had related to the social sciences and psychology, and why people are so reluctant to make a choice with all those options!

In the book he talks about THE app, the one the revolutionized the online dating world. It has a really bad rap, so I have never tried it. One of my friends did and she met her match there, but I won’t say who. That online gateway to love is Tindr. The little flame icon promises hot lovin’ at your fingertips! I decided to see what all the fuss is about.

 So far, it’s not so bad. I haven’t had much time to explore it, but I did talk to one guy. Ironically, he works close to my neighborhood, we know some of the same people, and we both lived in the same horrible town when we were growing up! I said, it’s crazy that it takes an online dating site to meet someone who works a block away from you. Wild!

Anyway….last time I promised to tell the story about the man who ate the whole meatball. It’s my officemate’s favorite dating tale.

The Man Who Ate the Whole Meatball

My son dubbed this date “The Pool Boy.” My son never met this guy, but because of his name, he decided that he sounded like a pool boy. I only wish he had been an actual pool boy. That might have been a lot more fun.

Not to say he wasn’t fun…he was ….pleasant. But there was no fire! When we dated (for about six weeks) I wrote poetry about starting fires! I was waiting for inspiration….but, you know, I thought, I could make this work.

(Instagram #phoetry inspired by The Pool Boy)

So the Pool Boy was a perfectly nice man. He was responsible, had his own home, a good job, which he left to start his own business when we were dating. He had a schmancy car, which I could care less about and actually didn’t like but I’m weird like that.

We had a fun first date at my favorite coffee place. Incidentally, there was an open mic that night. I didn’t know that, but it made the date more fun and we ended up staying for the whole thing. It wasn’t even good open mic, which I think helped us bond.

On the third-ish date, we met at a popular pizza place after work on a Tuesday. I have a long commute, so I headed to the restaurant straight from work. He had secured a nice table on the patio by the time I arrived. We ordered an appetizer…a meatball. A giant, one pound meatball. The humongous meatball arrived, we both had a sliver, and then I excused myself to the ladies room.

When I came back, the meatball was gone. The whole damn thing! I tried really hard to make my face neutral, but inside I was like “Damn! He ate the whole meatball! A one pound meatball!”

I didn’t say anything. Our giant pizza came, and he was too full for more than one slice. He sent the rest of the pie home with me, saying he had shown that meatball who was boss! Mmmmhmmm, I bet you did. When it ended with The Pool Boy, I said, and I quote, “This feels really lukewarm, and I don’t want lukewarm. I want a Celine-Dion-Drive-All-Night-to-Get-to-You kind of thing.” To be clear, he ghosted me, not the other way around. I was still willing to give it a shot….

Next week:

The Paradigm of Choice, and The Mostly Mute Man


How hard is it to make a plan? For real!

He’s right. Flakes galore…

Dumpster Fires vs The Real Ish & the Bachelor in the Bathroom


This time, my date had diarrhea.

I have been blown off with a multitude of lame excuses…Thunder game tickets (ok, this is legit but I was still mad), passed out drunk, had a sty (lame) and a number of other lies, but this time, the guy was having some gut issues.

Let’s go on a little flashback with a candidate from Snatch.com…..I’ll call him Dewey. Dewey was very interested in the Dirty Librarian fantasy. Our conversations consisted mostly of me thwarting dirty talk. You can make baking cookies sound really suggestive without actually saying anything naughty. (<<< spin doctor!)

Dewey was fresh out of a divorce. Had been married for over a decade. He was really cute. Had a sharp wit and sense of humor like a junior high boy. We finally agreed to go see a movie on a Friday night—The Avengers.

Of course, the day comes, he calls, and I’m not surprised. He says he’s having stomach issues and shouldn’t be far from his bathroom. He adds that what he really needs is someone to bring him Pepto.

So……I break my no-going-to-stranger’s-houses rule, but only after texting my friend his full name and address, and take him some Pepto and library DVDs.

I arrived at his house. It was a nice house, in a nice neighborhood. The burlap wreath from his married life was still on the front door and his neighbors were in the driveway. I felt like a Jezebel as I drove up…chickened out, drove around the block, and then came back to park and hurry in wondering what the neighbors thought.

This boy was FINE. Out of my league fine. But no amount of good looks in the world can make a man with diarrhea sexy.

The date was pretty uneventful. I was nervous and also afraid of catching his ailment so I stayed on the other side of the room. I sat so still, like a statue. I was super fun! He put in both DVDs. Totally could have left after the first one but stayed through the second for some reason.

Then he ghosted me.

Later, I learned that his son was in one of my daughter’s classes. When I asked her if she knew him, she said “eww, yes.” He had drawn a penis on her drawing. I was not surprised.

Which brings me to my next topic, Dumpster Fires vs the Real Ish.


Dumpster Fire: a person or situation that is a total mess, then set on fire to intensify the craptasm that is their current state.

The Real Ish: a person who has their life together. You could have something real with them, but that is scary. I am the Real Ish.

There was this popular self-help book a few years back that made me cringe every time I saw it on the shelf. “Why Men Love Bitches.” This title is annoying because what it’s really about is how men love women who are confident and have boundaries. That’s not bitchy. The rest of that book title is How to Go from Doormat to Dreamgirl. So many problems with this….first of all, if a man treats you like a door mat, he is a jerk. Don’t deal with it. Secondly, the only dreams you have to fulfill are your own. Being someone else’s dream girl is kind of lame.

Anyway…my current conclusion is that men love women who are dumpster fires.

In a future blog I will tell the awkward story of the Mute Man dates, but the Mute Man also told me something that made me want to laugh in his face.

“I have white knight syndrome.”

He said he was attracted to women who were in financial distress. He wanted to save them.

Give. Me. A. Break.

All of the tiny independent woman cells in my body curled up in little balls and had teeny tiny seizures…

Captain Save-a-Ho

I have a friend now who is going through one of those things that shred your life into pieces. As he looks to his future, he also wants to avoid the whole dying alone thing. But, he doesn’t want the Real Ish. As a self-professed Captain Save-a-Ho, he wants a dumpster fire. He just got burned down by a dumpster fire. Some of us learn slower than others…

This realization can be a little disheartening to women who have their crap together. The message here is don’t be too successful. Don’t be too independent. Don’t have it too together, because that’s not attractive. Be vapid and helpless but don’t you dare be clingy either!

Ok, so if you are listening to that garbage, don’t let it alarm you. Because the man you want to date is confident and supportive and can handle the Real Ish. See, the man YOU want to date can build empires with you because he doesn’t need to busy himself with rescuing you from the tower. Don’t you want that guy? The one you can conquer kingdoms with? I know I do.

Profile Fun

Though they are currently deleted, I thought about adding reviews to my online profiles….kinda of like movie trailers or book trailers. Here are some real reviews!

**I always have fun when we look at art and stuff. She’s a nice person. – D. J.

**She’s like Mother Theresa plus Joan of Arc, add a lot of spice! – B. B.

**She easy to talk to and she can cook! – S.B.

Next time…The Man Who Ate the Whole Meatball.


Anna Nicole Smith, my favorite dumpster fire.








In the Zone

“No one wants to be caught up with a hot dog just in case a steak walks by.”  Me, on online dating.

In honor of Super Bowl Sunday, I am giving you this mini-installment. I don’t sport, but I do know that football includes an end zone. That’s where the touchdowns happen—the SCORE!

But in dating, there is a different kind of zone….and it definitely does NOT include scoring. (Unless you want to enter into an emotionally draining situation that never leads anyone to anything good.)

That zone is the friend zone.

I am overly familiar with the friend zone. I’m haven’t decided what this means yet. I’m good to know, but not too good? I’m a cool chick to hang with, but…..??? You see what I’m getting at.

Being friend zoned isn’t always bad. And, it’s definitely not always personal. Often times, it really is timing, life issues, placement, personal struggle, a smattering of things that contribute to a person’s reluctance to become intricately involved with another. I have actually made some good friends throughout the course of my dating expedition—and don’t worry if you’re that guy and you are reading this—I won’t blog about you. Sometimes the friend zone is the right call. Other times, the goodbye zone is the better call. It’s hard to tell when those times are.

Having been friend zoned, oh, about an hour ago, I decided to think about the emotional roller coaster you ride when you lock down that handle bar and buckle up for the dating ride. I’m not sure what to do with these feelings right now, so I will present them to you. That seems smart.

The emotional cycle of the friend zone.

Excited! So exciting! You matched with someone who seems like they could be the one you have been looking for. The search could be over! Excited!!!

Curiosity….now to find out as much as you can so you can decide whether to invest or not. You want to know all about them. You want to talk to them, meet up with them, and then decide if you want to go for it.

Hopeful….as the discovery phase continues, you start to think about the future, what it might look like. You hope the search is over and you are ready to end the treasure hunt. You imagine them in a tux. You laugh at yourself for that imagining. You stop that! You imagine them making pancakes instead.   

Nervous….the more time you invest the more you doubt yourself, the situation and that there really is someone out there for you. All the what-ifs rush in like the wind velocity of the downhill plunge of a roller coaster. Or maybe it’s bumper cars for you, and you go back and forth, bumbling your way through deciding to go through with it or not. You do it scared, or you can’t bring yourself to do it. Or any combination of the two, more than once.

Friend zoned……you get it. You are fine with it. You will get over it….but at that same moment your hopes are dashed and you think about starting this exhausting process over again and you are just DONE. You are cool….BUT……insert reason for friend zoning __________________. Bottom line, you are somehow not good enough for their pursuit. (This is a lie. Don’t do that to yourself.)

Exhausted…the thought of doing this again is exhausting. You are tired of the cycle. You are over the hunt. You are done with discovery. You can’t even with the nerves anymore. YOU ARE OVER IT!

Assessment/Overthinking/Analysis…let’s review…where did you go wrong? Was it your unabashed genuine attitude? Your responsible lifestyle? Did you say something tacky? Are you boring? Ugly? Too fat again? No one can decipher the whys of the friend zone. I have often wondered if it would be in poor taste to send past dates a short survey so I can assess and correct my strategy. I think that might be the marketer in me. No matter though, because it doesn’t matter. Bonnie Raitt said it, you can’t make them love you if they don’t. Don’t even try, just move along to the next lucky contestant.

*Remember the dating motto: Everyone is entitled to their own pursuit of happiness, which may or may not include you.  It’s not personal. You are still awesome.

Frustration. Ugh. Why isn’t this working?? I—just—no…I can’t…I don’t get it!

Quitting. *&^$#!@. I don’t’ have time for this. (Delete profiles. Uninstall apps. Resign to life as a spinster. Look forward to closing the library each night.)

Sadness. I am single. I am alone. So sad.

Moving on. Wait, I still have a goal here. Maybe I can try this again.

But not today….

Special thanks to all of the dudes who friend zoned me and meant it! I am happy to be your friend. And the ones who didn’t, well, sorry about you.

While I hate this movie, this is a FACT.


Don’t Sweat the Rejection & the Air Quote Date

As I sit listening to a hair metal classics playlist, I am a little nervous about this week’s post. I feel like I really need to bring the funny. While my stories seemed hilarious shortly after they occurred, I am not so sure they hold up. Nevertheless, here are the stories, mostly true, for you enjoyment.

In the last installment, I discussed the profile and how to properly market yourself- in summary, you do you. Here’s why….at some point, if things go the way they should, you will be meeting some of these people in real life. If things go well, you could be spending some time with one (or more, whatever) of the lucky gents. Obviously, you are going to have to do you at some point. So, I think it’s less stressful to lead with that. You do you from the start, then you will know and they will know and you won’t have to worry about that whole “when they find out the truth” thing.

But being real is scary….

Yes, putting yourself out there is terrifying. Trust me, it took me a VERY long time to get to the point where I even considered it. Then it took me an even longer time to think about it. Then it took more time to do it. Then, I just said f’ it and dove in head first—this is kind of my approach to everything.  So how do you be real, risk the rejection, and not be destroyed every time? I have developed a motto that has served as a great reminder of why rejection is ok, survivable even, in part thanks to my dear friend and dating adviser, Shannon. That motto goes like this:

“Everyone is entitled to pursue their own happiness which may or may not include me.”

There you go. 

(Shannon has talked me through many dating frustrations. She is a guru. Her words can be trusted.)

This is the truth. Think about it, if you meet someone, you go out with them, and it’s just not there, do you want to continue wasting your time? No, you want to move on and try again. That doesn’t mean that rejection doesn’t sting a little or sometimes, hurt, but this truth removes the personal responsibility from you. As you will read in plenty of dating advice columns, not everyone will want what you’re offering. And that’s ok. Move on, don’t stop until it’s what you want!


I have been divorced for a while now. I haven’t dated a lot (and for some years not at all.) This is why it was super exciting for some of my people when I decided to go for it! I feel pretty guilty about the times talk of my dating shenanigans dominated our connect group dinners. But it was also affirming because I knew my people were rooting for me and they believed I could go out there with confident expectation. Especially after the ‘accidental’ butt-graze hazing of my friend’s hubby to prepare me for the date as I looked at my friend with mortification, fearing the next place I was going to wake up would be the gravel road after she gave me a beat down.

I was safe.

“The Air Quote Date”

By this time I had begun conversations with potential dates via the Snatch.com messenger and text. One of the strangest experiences I had, mostly because I was being weird, was what I have since dubbed the “Air Quote Date.”

The “Air Quote Date” took place on a busy Saturday in the spring. Seriously though, every day is busy with a job and kids and at the time I think I was still working a side job so I was doing my best to squeeze in time with dates whenever. I was meeting up with “the DJ.” I named him that because he was a weekend DJ. This particular weekend he had a gig so we were meeting in between his set-up and before his show. Before the date we had some conversations via text and voice (like, on the phone, I know!) and he called me ‘doll.’ I’m pretty sure he referred to all women that way. I thought, ok, he has a hipster-y vernacular, I can roll with this—once again, my ‘I can make it work- attitude!’ Normally my inner feminist would find this annoying but I decided it was edgy and agreed to meet him. Even after he called me doll and also called me out for not initiating conversation and saying ‘you can flirt too you know!’

Oh, you want me to flirt?

Sooo, about that….I don’t like to pursue. I like to be pursued. Will I do it? Yes, depending on how much I want the thing I am pursuing. However, I can be a little relentless so I am doing us all a favor here. Also, on the flirting-yeah, not great at that. In addition, I am not one to flirt before I know if I like you. What good does that do? To me that seems dishonest and disingenuous. If we meet and I like you, then I will attempt flirtation but not before. I’m not into leading people on.

I met the DJ at a very busy spot in Norman since it was closer to his gig. I arrived first and there was very little seating. I found a small table crammed into a corner. He was running late. I can let that go since I am a habitually tardy person. (Sorry friends.) While I was waiting, a woman who was waiting for a to-go order asked if she could take the other chair and since he wasn’t there yet, I said yes. Thus began a very awkward date…..

He arrived to find the random woman at the table with me…it was awkward as he gave her with an annoyed glance until I spoke up. She took a seat somewhere else and he sat down. He was super tall….I commented on that multiple times. (awkward) We made small talk. I learned that he didn’t have a relationship with his children (strike 1!) who lived with their ‘crazy’ mothers (strike 1.5!) in other states.

Then he showed me a new app he was developing. His day job was some form of IT, so that made sense. Ok, an app, I was almost impressed! Buuuuuuut, it was a dating app….just like Snatch.com, only you could customize your profile pic with a frame announcing your favorite sports team. Suddenly I was worried that I was in the middle of a very misleading sales pitch….timeshare cabin anyone??

He explained all of the cool features that his dating app had while I pretended to think it was awesome. And for some reason, I kept making air quotes with my hands when I was talking. Maybe it was the swirl I drank, I don’t know, but eventually I noticed I was doing it. Me being me, I commented on it. “I don’t know why I keep doing that!!” I tried to stop but I just kept doing it! Eventually I tried sitting on my hands. As the date came to a close, he walked me to my car and we exchanged parting pleasantries and went on our way. He said, ‘thanks, I had ‘fun,’ with the air quotes…..and that was the end of that.

My theory of what went wrong when we were standing at the car he saw my ‘I’m dancing with Bernie’ button hanging from my visor. He was obviously a Republican. 

Why I didn’t want to date him anyway: I’m not big on guys who don’t parent their children. That says a lot about them as a person. Also, more than one crazy ex is too many. Also, the whole ‘doll’ thing turned out to be pretentious and annoying.

What I learned: I learned not to do air quotes like a person with hand Tourette’s on a date.

Things I am Overcoming!

Last week I mentioned that I would discuss some of my personal barriers that could be killing my dating game. During my story, some of those probably stood out. I might be too genuine. I might need to practice my flirt game. I am accepting tips on that!

While I try to throw them all out the window, I do have some expectations. Sometimes I don’t know if I am really willing to be tied down. I have standards. Maybe they are a little high? I am crazy insecure at times. That right there is my enemy numero uno. We can talk about that more later…

Next week: The Tale of the Bachelor in the Bathroom

P.S.I keep seeing this verse! Could be a good sign 😉

​For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 7:8 NLT

“Hey doll,wanna go for a spin? I have a HUGE record collection.”

Blueprints part 2

The profile … make the Mad Men proud!

The first awkward thing about online dating is creating the profile. Luckily, I know a thing or two about marketing, however, in lieu of “selling myself,” I choose to create the most genuine profile possible. I can write a good spin, but my #1 fear about this WHOLE thing was that I would meet someone in person and they would instantly be horrified by my weight. (I am a big girl…we’ll get to THAT later. P.S. Big girls deserve love too.)


The selfies and the torso shot…


So you upload the pics … on the subject of pics, some online dating experts recommend certain types of pics; a selfie, a full body shot, one of you doing something adventurous (this explains all of the skiing pics) one in formal wear and one with friends or family. These say, look! I’m fun and I know people! Most some people don’t like taking pics of themselves or writing about themselves. This results in a lot of weird, boring and unattractive profiles. Furthermore, these only give you the very basic info about a person—like the spine of a book. You have to crack that sucker open to see what’s inside!


Next, meet your matches. Trying to initiate and sustain a conversation can be challenging. I tend ask questions to find out information about a person that would give me clues to their nature. This was my approach to chatting up potentials online. Maybe not the best route to take since I was very businesslike-maybe more like a Socratic interrogation and less flirtation. But I didn’t want to lead anyone on until I decided that I actually wanted to meet them in person.


Talk Nerdy to Me


Yep, that was my headline. That coupled with one of my pics (nervously because he’s scary!) cozied up to Darth Vader set the stage for the type of gent I was seeking. I learned that a wide variety of dudes like nerdy girls, and it also lead to plenty of ‘dirty librarian’ jokes (and wishful thinking.)


I discovered I have no patience for people who don’t want to be real.


“No, I am not coming over for dinner at your apartment on the first date. “


“No, I am not going to ‘flirt’ (dirty talk) with a stranger. Get to know me first, then we can talk about my ‘curves.’ “


“You want a torso pic, sure why not! Send yours first!”


“Yes, I’m single, this is a dating site. Isn’t everyone?” (No, actually, no…)


“No, I don’t want to know who much money you make, but thanks for that info!”


Some of these guys are persistent and will try to wear you down. “Are you ready for me yet?” Like somehow I will just run out of other options and throw in the towel of resisting dangerous encounters because I can’t stand to be single another moment. Dude, ask some questions! Have a conversation! I don’t want to hear about how you “love to pamper your woman with back rubs and home cooked candle lit dinners followed by relaxing bubble baths” unless I am certain you are not an ax murderer. My friend, who used one of the previously mentioned sites frequented by library-loungers, said she would get messages that simply said *“fwb?” They couldn’t even put forth the effort of forming a complete sentence, let alone take the time to get to know someone. I can only imagine how great they must be in bed…a smart man knows that the way to a woman’s heart (and other parts too…ok) is through her BRAIN.


Stay tuned for the next installment including discussion about my own relationship barriers and the story of The Dude Who Called Me Doll aka the “Air Quote” date.


*fwb = friends with benefits

“Listen, I was wandering. Can I ask you a question? Uh… was your father a meat burgler? Here’s why I ask: because it looks like somebody stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress,” SNL’s Ladies’ Man.