Dumpster Fires vs The Real Ish & the Bachelor in the Bathroom

will-ferrell-twitter

This time, my date had diarrhea.

I have been blown off with a multitude of lame excuses…Thunder game tickets (ok, this is legit but I was still mad), passed out drunk, had a sty (lame) and a number of other lies, but this time, the guy was having some gut issues.

Let’s go on a little flashback with a candidate from Snatch.com…..I’ll call him Dewey. Dewey was very interested in the Dirty Librarian fantasy. Our conversations consisted mostly of me thwarting dirty talk. You can make baking cookies sound really suggestive without actually saying anything naughty. (<<< spin doctor!)

Dewey was fresh out of a divorce. Had been married for over a decade. He was really cute. Had a sharp wit and sense of humor like a junior high boy. We finally agreed to go see a movie on a Friday night—The Avengers.

Of course, the day comes, he calls, and I’m not surprised. He says he’s having stomach issues and shouldn’t be far from his bathroom. He adds that what he really needs is someone to bring him Pepto.

So……I break my no-going-to-stranger’s-houses rule, but only after texting my friend his full name and address, and take him some Pepto and library DVDs.

I arrived at his house. It was a nice house, in a nice neighborhood. The burlap wreath from his married life was still on the front door and his neighbors were in the driveway. I felt like a Jezebel as I drove up…chickened out, drove around the block, and then came back to park and hurry in wondering what the neighbors thought.

This boy was FINE. Out of my league fine. But no amount of good looks in the world can make a man with diarrhea sexy.

The date was pretty uneventful. I was nervous and also afraid of catching his ailment so I stayed on the other side of the room. I sat so still, like a statue. I was super fun! He put in both DVDs. Totally could have left after the first one but stayed through the second for some reason.

Then he ghosted me.

Later, I learned that his son was in one of my daughter’s classes. When I asked her if she knew him, she said “eww, yes.” He had drawn a penis on her drawing. I was not surprised.

Which brings me to my next topic, Dumpster Fires vs the Real Ish.

dumpster-fire

Dumpster Fire: a person or situation that is a total mess, then set on fire to intensify the craptasm that is their current state.

The Real Ish: a person who has their life together. You could have something real with them, but that is scary. I am the Real Ish.

There was this popular self-help book a few years back that made me cringe every time I saw it on the shelf. “Why Men Love Bitches.” This title is annoying because what it’s really about is how men love women who are confident and have boundaries. That’s not bitchy. The rest of that book title is How to Go from Doormat to Dreamgirl. So many problems with this….first of all, if a man treats you like a door mat, he is a jerk. Don’t deal with it. Secondly, the only dreams you have to fulfill are your own. Being someone else’s dream girl is kind of lame.

Anyway…my current conclusion is that men love women who are dumpster fires.

In a future blog I will tell the awkward story of the Mute Man dates, but the Mute Man also told me something that made me want to laugh in his face.

“I have white knight syndrome.”

He said he was attracted to women who were in financial distress. He wanted to save them.

Give. Me. A. Break.

All of the tiny independent woman cells in my body curled up in little balls and had teeny tiny seizures…

Captain Save-a-Ho

I have a friend now who is going through one of those things that shred your life into pieces. As he looks to his future, he also wants to avoid the whole dying alone thing. But, he doesn’t want the Real Ish. As a self-professed Captain Save-a-Ho, he wants a dumpster fire. He just got burned down by a dumpster fire. Some of us learn slower than others…

This realization can be a little disheartening to women who have their crap together. The message here is don’t be too successful. Don’t be too independent. Don’t have it too together, because that’s not attractive. Be vapid and helpless but don’t you dare be clingy either!

Ok, so if you are listening to that garbage, don’t let it alarm you. Because the man you want to date is confident and supportive and can handle the Real Ish. See, the man YOU want to date can build empires with you because he doesn’t need to busy himself with rescuing you from the tower. Don’t you want that guy? The one you can conquer kingdoms with? I know I do.

Profile Fun

Though they are currently deleted, I thought about adding reviews to my online profiles….kinda of like movie trailers or book trailers. Here are some real reviews!

**I always have fun when we look at art and stuff. She’s a nice person. – D. J.

**She’s like Mother Theresa plus Joan of Arc, add a lot of spice! – B. B.

**She easy to talk to and she can cook! – S.B.

Next time…The Man Who Ate the Whole Meatball.

110215annanicolesmith1

Anna Nicole Smith, my favorite dumpster fire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the Zone

“No one wants to be caught up with a hot dog just in case a steak walks by.”  Me, on online dating.

In honor of Super Bowl Sunday, I am giving you this mini-installment. I don’t sport, but I do know that football includes an end zone. That’s where the touchdowns happen—the SCORE!

But in dating, there is a different kind of zone….and it definitely does NOT include scoring. (Unless you want to enter into an emotionally draining situation that never leads anyone to anything good.)

That zone is the friend zone.

I am overly familiar with the friend zone. I’m haven’t decided what this means yet. I’m good to know, but not too good? I’m a cool chick to hang with, but…..??? You see what I’m getting at.

Being friend zoned isn’t always bad. And, it’s definitely not always personal. Often times, it really is timing, life issues, placement, personal struggle, a smattering of things that contribute to a person’s reluctance to become intricately involved with another. I have actually made some good friends throughout the course of my dating expedition—and don’t worry if you’re that guy and you are reading this—I won’t blog about you. Sometimes the friend zone is the right call. Other times, the goodbye zone is the better call. It’s hard to tell when those times are.

Having been friend zoned, oh, about an hour ago, I decided to think about the emotional roller coaster you ride when you lock down that handle bar and buckle up for the dating ride. I’m not sure what to do with these feelings right now, so I will present them to you. That seems smart.

The emotional cycle of the friend zone.

Excited! So exciting! You matched with someone who seems like they could be the one you have been looking for. The search could be over! Excited!!!

Curiosity….now to find out as much as you can so you can decide whether to invest or not. You want to know all about them. You want to talk to them, meet up with them, and then decide if you want to go for it.

Hopeful….as the discovery phase continues, you start to think about the future, what it might look like. You hope the search is over and you are ready to end the treasure hunt. You imagine them in a tux. You laugh at yourself for that imagining. You stop that! You imagine them making pancakes instead.   

Nervous….the more time you invest the more you doubt yourself, the situation and that there really is someone out there for you. All the what-ifs rush in like the wind velocity of the downhill plunge of a roller coaster. Or maybe it’s bumper cars for you, and you go back and forth, bumbling your way through deciding to go through with it or not. You do it scared, or you can’t bring yourself to do it. Or any combination of the two, more than once.

Friend zoned……you get it. You are fine with it. You will get over it….but at that same moment your hopes are dashed and you think about starting this exhausting process over again and you are just DONE. You are cool….BUT……insert reason for friend zoning __________________. Bottom line, you are somehow not good enough for their pursuit. (This is a lie. Don’t do that to yourself.)

Exhausted…the thought of doing this again is exhausting. You are tired of the cycle. You are over the hunt. You are done with discovery. You can’t even with the nerves anymore. YOU ARE OVER IT!

Assessment/Overthinking/Analysis…let’s review…where did you go wrong? Was it your unabashed genuine attitude? Your responsible lifestyle? Did you say something tacky? Are you boring? Ugly? Too fat again? No one can decipher the whys of the friend zone. I have often wondered if it would be in poor taste to send past dates a short survey so I can assess and correct my strategy. I think that might be the marketer in me. No matter though, because it doesn’t matter. Bonnie Raitt said it, you can’t make them love you if they don’t. Don’t even try, just move along to the next lucky contestant.

*Remember the dating motto: Everyone is entitled to their own pursuit of happiness, which may or may not include you.  It’s not personal. You are still awesome.

Frustration. Ugh. Why isn’t this working?? I—just—no…I can’t…I don’t get it!

Quitting. *&^$#!@. I don’t’ have time for this. (Delete profiles. Uninstall apps. Resign to life as a spinster. Look forward to closing the library each night.)

Sadness. I am single. I am alone. So sad.

Moving on. Wait, I still have a goal here. Maybe I can try this again.

But not today….

Special thanks to all of the dudes who friend zoned me and meant it! I am happy to be your friend. And the ones who didn’t, well, sorry about you.

While I hate this movie, this is a FACT.

#youdoyou

Don’t Sweat the Rejection & the Air Quote Date

As I sit listening to a hair metal classics playlist, I am a little nervous about this week’s post. I feel like I really need to bring the funny. While my stories seemed hilarious shortly after they occurred, I am not so sure they hold up. Nevertheless, here are the stories, mostly true, for you enjoyment.

In the last installment, I discussed the profile and how to properly market yourself- in summary, you do you. Here’s why….at some point, if things go the way they should, you will be meeting some of these people in real life. If things go well, you could be spending some time with one (or more, whatever) of the lucky gents. Obviously, you are going to have to do you at some point. So, I think it’s less stressful to lead with that. You do you from the start, then you will know and they will know and you won’t have to worry about that whole “when they find out the truth” thing.

But being real is scary….

Yes, putting yourself out there is terrifying. Trust me, it took me a VERY long time to get to the point where I even considered it. Then it took me an even longer time to think about it. Then it took more time to do it. Then, I just said f’ it and dove in head first—this is kind of my approach to everything.  So how do you be real, risk the rejection, and not be destroyed every time? I have developed a motto that has served as a great reminder of why rejection is ok, survivable even, in part thanks to my dear friend and dating adviser, Shannon. That motto goes like this:

“Everyone is entitled to pursue their own happiness which may or may not include me.”

There you go. 

(Shannon has talked me through many dating frustrations. She is a guru. Her words can be trusted.)

This is the truth. Think about it, if you meet someone, you go out with them, and it’s just not there, do you want to continue wasting your time? No, you want to move on and try again. That doesn’t mean that rejection doesn’t sting a little or sometimes, hurt, but this truth removes the personal responsibility from you. As you will read in plenty of dating advice columns, not everyone will want what you’re offering. And that’s ok. Move on, don’t stop until it’s what you want!

Finally…

I have been divorced for a while now. I haven’t dated a lot (and for some years not at all.) This is why it was super exciting for some of my people when I decided to go for it! I feel pretty guilty about the times talk of my dating shenanigans dominated our connect group dinners. But it was also affirming because I knew my people were rooting for me and they believed I could go out there with confident expectation. Especially after the ‘accidental’ butt-graze hazing of my friend’s hubby to prepare me for the date as I looked at my friend with mortification, fearing the next place I was going to wake up would be the gravel road after she gave me a beat down.

I was safe.

“The Air Quote Date”

By this time I had begun conversations with potential dates via the Snatch.com messenger and text. One of the strangest experiences I had, mostly because I was being weird, was what I have since dubbed the “Air Quote Date.”

The “Air Quote Date” took place on a busy Saturday in the spring. Seriously though, every day is busy with a job and kids and at the time I think I was still working a side job so I was doing my best to squeeze in time with dates whenever. I was meeting up with “the DJ.” I named him that because he was a weekend DJ. This particular weekend he had a gig so we were meeting in between his set-up and before his show. Before the date we had some conversations via text and voice (like, on the phone, I know!) and he called me ‘doll.’ I’m pretty sure he referred to all women that way. I thought, ok, he has a hipster-y vernacular, I can roll with this—once again, my ‘I can make it work- attitude!’ Normally my inner feminist would find this annoying but I decided it was edgy and agreed to meet him. Even after he called me doll and also called me out for not initiating conversation and saying ‘you can flirt too you know!’

Oh, you want me to flirt?

Sooo, about that….I don’t like to pursue. I like to be pursued. Will I do it? Yes, depending on how much I want the thing I am pursuing. However, I can be a little relentless so I am doing us all a favor here. Also, on the flirting-yeah, not great at that. In addition, I am not one to flirt before I know if I like you. What good does that do? To me that seems dishonest and disingenuous. If we meet and I like you, then I will attempt flirtation but not before. I’m not into leading people on.

I met the DJ at a very busy spot in Norman since it was closer to his gig. I arrived first and there was very little seating. I found a small table crammed into a corner. He was running late. I can let that go since I am a habitually tardy person. (Sorry friends.) While I was waiting, a woman who was waiting for a to-go order asked if she could take the other chair and since he wasn’t there yet, I said yes. Thus began a very awkward date…..

He arrived to find the random woman at the table with me…it was awkward as he gave her with an annoyed glance until I spoke up. She took a seat somewhere else and he sat down. He was super tall….I commented on that multiple times. (awkward) We made small talk. I learned that he didn’t have a relationship with his children (strike 1!) who lived with their ‘crazy’ mothers (strike 1.5!) in other states.

Then he showed me a new app he was developing. His day job was some form of IT, so that made sense. Ok, an app, I was almost impressed! Buuuuuuut, it was a dating app….just like Snatch.com, only you could customize your profile pic with a frame announcing your favorite sports team. Suddenly I was worried that I was in the middle of a very misleading sales pitch….timeshare cabin anyone??

He explained all of the cool features that his dating app had while I pretended to think it was awesome. And for some reason, I kept making air quotes with my hands when I was talking. Maybe it was the swirl I drank, I don’t know, but eventually I noticed I was doing it. Me being me, I commented on it. “I don’t know why I keep doing that!!” I tried to stop but I just kept doing it! Eventually I tried sitting on my hands. As the date came to a close, he walked me to my car and we exchanged parting pleasantries and went on our way. He said, ‘thanks, I had ‘fun,’ with the air quotes…..and that was the end of that.

My theory of what went wrong when we were standing at the car he saw my ‘I’m dancing with Bernie’ button hanging from my visor. He was obviously a Republican. 

Why I didn’t want to date him anyway: I’m not big on guys who don’t parent their children. That says a lot about them as a person. Also, more than one crazy ex is too many. Also, the whole ‘doll’ thing turned out to be pretentious and annoying.

What I learned: I learned not to do air quotes like a person with hand Tourette’s on a date.

Things I am Overcoming!

Last week I mentioned that I would discuss some of my personal barriers that could be killing my dating game. During my story, some of those probably stood out. I might be too genuine. I might need to practice my flirt game. I am accepting tips on that!

While I try to throw them all out the window, I do have some expectations. Sometimes I don’t know if I am really willing to be tied down. I have standards. Maybe they are a little high? I am crazy insecure at times. That right there is my enemy numero uno. We can talk about that more later…

Next week: The Tale of the Bachelor in the Bathroom

P.S.I keep seeing this verse! Could be a good sign 😉

​For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 7:8 NLT

“Hey doll,wanna go for a spin? I have a HUGE record collection.”

Blueprints part 2

The profile … make the Mad Men proud!

The first awkward thing about online dating is creating the profile. Luckily, I know a thing or two about marketing, however, in lieu of “selling myself,” I choose to create the most genuine profile possible. I can write a good spin, but my #1 fear about this WHOLE thing was that I would meet someone in person and they would instantly be horrified by my weight. (I am a big girl…we’ll get to THAT later. P.S. Big girls deserve love too.)

 

The selfies and the torso shot…

 

So you upload the pics … on the subject of pics, some online dating experts recommend certain types of pics; a selfie, a full body shot, one of you doing something adventurous (this explains all of the skiing pics) one in formal wear and one with friends or family. These say, look! I’m fun and I know people! Most some people don’t like taking pics of themselves or writing about themselves. This results in a lot of weird, boring and unattractive profiles. Furthermore, these only give you the very basic info about a person—like the spine of a book. You have to crack that sucker open to see what’s inside!

 

Next, meet your matches. Trying to initiate and sustain a conversation can be challenging. I tend ask questions to find out information about a person that would give me clues to their nature. This was my approach to chatting up potentials online. Maybe not the best route to take since I was very businesslike-maybe more like a Socratic interrogation and less flirtation. But I didn’t want to lead anyone on until I decided that I actually wanted to meet them in person.

 

Talk Nerdy to Me

 

Yep, that was my headline. That coupled with one of my pics (nervously because he’s scary!) cozied up to Darth Vader set the stage for the type of gent I was seeking. I learned that a wide variety of dudes like nerdy girls, and it also lead to plenty of ‘dirty librarian’ jokes (and wishful thinking.)

 

I discovered I have no patience for people who don’t want to be real.

 

“No, I am not coming over for dinner at your apartment on the first date. “

 

“No, I am not going to ‘flirt’ (dirty talk) with a stranger. Get to know me first, then we can talk about my ‘curves.’ “

 

“You want a torso pic, sure why not! Send yours first!”

 

“Yes, I’m single, this is a dating site. Isn’t everyone?” (No, actually, no…)

 

“No, I don’t want to know who much money you make, but thanks for that info!”

 

Some of these guys are persistent and will try to wear you down. “Are you ready for me yet?” Like somehow I will just run out of other options and throw in the towel of resisting dangerous encounters because I can’t stand to be single another moment. Dude, ask some questions! Have a conversation! I don’t want to hear about how you “love to pamper your woman with back rubs and home cooked candle lit dinners followed by relaxing bubble baths” unless I am certain you are not an ax murderer. My friend, who used one of the previously mentioned sites frequented by library-loungers, said she would get messages that simply said *“fwb?” They couldn’t even put forth the effort of forming a complete sentence, let alone take the time to get to know someone. I can only imagine how great they must be in bed…a smart man knows that the way to a woman’s heart (and other parts too…ok) is through her BRAIN.

 

Stay tuned for the next installment including discussion about my own relationship barriers and the story of The Dude Who Called Me Doll aka the “Air Quote” date.

 

*fwb = friends with benefits


“Listen, I was wandering. Can I ask you a question? Uh… was your father a meat burgler? Here’s why I ask: because it looks like somebody stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress,” SNL’s Ladies’ Man.

Blueprints part 1

When approaching a problem, it’s good to do a little critical thinking and a lot of research. At least, that’s my approach to problem-solving. The first step in solving the not-dying-alone problem was to decide who I would rather spend my golden year evenings in the porch rocking chair with. My first step also should have been prayer, but my natural brain always wants to figure things out on its own. That’s what friends are for. (More on that later when I talk about The Panel.) They remind you to pray and join you as well.

Strangely, this was easier said than done! I don’t really have an ideal notion of the man I want to share my life with, but I do know that I want it to be someone worth giving up allllll this freedom for. I also really, really know what I don’t want. 

(There’s always an exchange…right? Freedom for cold pillow, etc.)

It starts with a lot of self-scrutiny. And asking your friends (aka research- crowd sourcingok?) What do I have to offer? What can I give in return? What are my expectations?

Side notein dating and love, expectation is a danger word! You cannot have expectation without communication! Write it down, remember it. Ignoring this rule is disaster.

So, make your list. Decide who you want to eat brunch with every Sunday and pray that dude into existence! Not like a Weird Science man-making machine or anything, just let God know where your thoughts are. Don’t put things on your list like height requirements or hair color. You can’t limit your pool like that! Any lasting relationship is not going to be based on looks anyway, so be real. That stuff is for youngsters still ready to procreate. There’s a reason why most of us are prettier in our youth. It’s science.

While I am completely in love with men like Mark Ruffalo (he’s an activist, he’s intelligent, he’s a family man and a hottie) and John Mayer (I don’t care if you like him, when he plays guitar you melt, admit it!) I’m more interested in men with a sense of humor who can write a complete sentence and have an intellectual conversation, so these are at the top of my list. I also appreciate honesty (most of us do) and kindness, so there’s that and so on. My list is long, and some parts of it are not deal breakers, but the fundamentals are.

Once you have your list, don’t be married to it. You want a person, not a Disney character, right? Be open-minded. I take this approach, maybe to a fault. I might meet someone I have nothing in common with and go into a date thinking, yeah, I could make this work. This may not be the best plan, but it’s how I roll. Caution to the wind, I will lead with my mind open!

Next, decide what won’t work for you. There are no-brainers, but there are also things you might not think of, so really consider what you want out of life so you can make sure you wind up with someone on the same page. If you really want to spend your golden years volunteering at soup kitchens and knitting little caps for newborns, you probably wouldn’t jive with a jet-setting guy with mansions in his eyes. So, be realistic but also, don’t sell yourself short! (For more on this see my post Hanging on the Clearance Rack.)

Then research where to search for this magical gem of a human. This is the golden question! Is it in the grocery store over polished fruit? Or in the pew four rows from the pulpit at church? How about the carpool lane at the kid’s school? Not anymore folks….all your friends (and dates) live (and love) online now.  The first place I tried was a very well-known matching making site. I’m going to call it Snatch.com, to avoid any legal ramifications for what I am about to say next.

It’s whack.

That’s it. Just whack. On Snatch.com (and most dating sites) you have to pay a little to use all the features. To me that meant people were serious about finding a real connection. This was not the actual case. While I did meet some nice fellows on Snatch.com, none of those interactions went anywhere. (More about those when I get to the stories.) If you want to know which sites all of the unemployed dudes who sit at public computers in the library all day use, private message me and I will tell you so you can avoid them.

Next week: the profile, selfies and torso shots, and talking nerdy…

Maybe Frankenfurter had the right idea!

What Built this City

legendary-kiss

I have a dream…

It’s a simple dream. Not necessarily a do-or-die dream. I dream of not dying alone. This is just one of the many dreams I have for my life, but it seems to be the most challenging dream. Many of my other life goals have been reached or are in progress.

My kids are great. I have two, an 18-year-old son and a 14 year-old daughter. I am on the downhill swing on that one! Heyyyyyy! They are exceptional humans and I love everything about them. I have devoted the last 18 years of my life to them and I don’t regret one single second.

My job is amazing. I love my work. I love my co-workers. I love the organization I work for. It’s very satisfying and challenging all at the same time. I get to do something I love. I get to do something meaningful. I get to make an impact. I. Am. So. Lucky!

I have a fabulous friend group. They are supportive and encouraging. They roll with me no matter what, unconditional love for days! They cherish my weird-hippie-nerdy-fickle personality. I love them so much.

But….

Something is missing. Not like a puzzle piece. Not like, a part of me is vacant. No, no, I am complete. Let’s not get into all that. But I would like to have someone to share this blessed life with.

After the divorce I spent a couple of years recuperating. I recommend this nice long time period devoid of romantic relationships to anyone who has felt like their life was devastated by the disintegration of their marriage. I needed time to heal. I needed time to focus on my children and recreate a family dynamic. I needed time to figure out who I was now.

After that, I dipped my toe into the cold, shallow dating pool a very small number (two) of times. Those times didn’t work out the way I would have liked, however, I am grateful for them because I learned a lot.

Then, the waiting…..

I spent a lot of years waiting. (See my other blog post, The Lies That Single Christian Women Cling To for more on “The Waiting.”)

Then I turned 40.

That was traumatic. I have been schooled by the rom-com/sex-in-the-city notion that love after 40 is about as likely as sprouting a unicorn horn and mermaid tail. I was 40. I was single. Good God. I’m as good as dead…alone.

However, I am a positive, forever hopeful person. I’m more of an anything-is-possible kind of girl than an I’m-okay-with-dying-alone kind of girl. So, I decided to problem-solve!

Thank you, internet… (?)

Thank you, internet, for making it so easy to find a guy in this busy, fast-paced life. (<<< sarcasm.) But that’s what I did…I went online and what followed was a series of comical interactions that you couldn’t make up if you wanted to. These are those stories for your enjoyment!

**Disclaimer: These stories are 98.8% true. Identities have been shielded to protect the innocent and misguided.

About the title: (Mostly) Chaste in the City refers to my choice to remain (mostly) abstinent during my quest for a ticket on the Love Boat. I would rather respect myself in the morning. I am aware that’s not the norm, but hey, I’m not normal.

mary-the-librarian

When George Bailey didn’t exist, Mary was an just old maid closing up the library…. (from It’s a Wonderful Life.) I’m not sure I would mind that alternate ending…