What’s up blogosphere?
I live in an urban area, but I commute to a small town for work. I am not a fan of small towns. They have their charm in small doses, and are probably good for raising families and good ol’ American values and all that. But there’s not even a Target there. Or a Panera. Sometimes I am tired of the drive, so I stay in a little cabin—a tiny house in a small town. I don’t like to stay there though, I told my tribe that it feels lonely there, and I am not usually a lonely-feeler.
After several lonely evenings at my small town tiny house, I decided to jump back into Bumble without giving it much thought at all. It was really hot that week. I think my brain was melted a little.
A New Plan!
This time, I had a new plan. I’ve been really thinking over this whole do I want to be independent and free or in a relationship thing. Before, I was dating for the long game. Now I’m just there for the whatever game. This may or may not be a good idea but you can’t even control the outcome of what happens anyway. It’s all a chaotic, swirling mess that has potential for awesome or disaster, like the universe, you know.
Two New Ideas
Now, I have a different filter for things when they go sideways. One day I was frustrated about the things that people do and I asked my friend, “why do dudes do blah blah??” He said, ‘goodness, in life we are all dealing. Some of us want someone but are cautiously waiting.”
He’s right….we are all dealing with life as it is. Never mind all the dating stuff and its array of crap. These guys are people, just like me. Maybe struggling, maybe insecure too, maybe afraid, maybe have too much on their plate, maybe have wounds and scars and baggage…I’m not on the bottom rung of the ladder and neither are they. I am going to sabotage everything I attempt to build if I don’t remember that fact. We are all just humans, as my other friend says….don’t be surprised when humans act human. I have to let go of some of the negative expectation I project on men just because of my negative experiences.
The second new idea is that I am faking the hell out of being confident. I am BELIEVING (faking it) that I am a great catch. I have a lot to offer someone (that is true) and I am acting like it. No more giving them the upper hand because I think I am fortunate to have their attention at all. I am following self-positive Instagrams and taking those positive messages to heart. I am enough. I am good, I can be someone’s something that they are looking for.
You would think that after 40ish years on Earth I could conquer that whole self-confidence thing, but I guess it just ebbs and flows just like everything else in this life. It’s like the Chumbawamba song. “I get knocked down, but I get up again!” (And sometimes pissing the night away too.)
So far, I have met two new potentials. Right after that, I deleted my account again. I don’t know why I do that….it’s just feels like wading through garbage to have to deal with the swipes and the small talk and the are they interested or aren’t they.
Are They or Aren’t They….
This is the part I hate. I don’t know how to like it better.
In Unrelated News….You must Watch This!
It’s a train wreck and you cannot look away. I promise you! Set your DVRs for Spouse House on TLC. Its Big Brother meets the Bachelor meets crazy-town. The put 14 singles, matched by professionals, in a house together and are all very serious about getting married. So much so, that they actually have weekly engagement ceremonies where singles propose to each other and WEDDINGS! I’m not ashamed to say that I watch it immediately when there is a new episode. Sunday nights. Trust me, you will be too flabbergasted to be disappointed!
Ohhhh Ashley….you have all the feels.
Missy’s not leaving without a husband!
Until next time!
Next time…The Dirty Boys and Chaste Dating and Mr. Universe—Can You Trust That Swirling Mess?
P.S. Dear RUN DMC T-shirt Guy,
Every single time I go back on Bumble we match and chat, only for me to disappear with no warning or explanation. Thank you for talking to me EVERYTIME. I am sorry I am so indecisive. If I come back and you swipe right on me again, hurry up and ask me out already! Your art is cool.