I have to start by apologizing for not publishing a blog for two months. I was distracted by fifteen page essays and finals, but alas, I have completed my first semester of graduate school. Yay!
Also, I have to admit that my last experience left me slightly bitter. Since I have always been loathe to become one of “those” bitter women, I was letting that vaporize before I accidentally smeared some of that nastiness on my blog.
In addition, I haven’t been on a date since the house of cards thing but I still have stories that I said I would tell, and I promised my cousin a blog, so, here it is!
In this episode I will tell one of the most infamous stories of my brief dating life- the one about the guy who cried. I also really want to talk about the paradigm of choice like I mentioned before, as I have thought a lot about that.
(I know I’m going out of order but I will tell all of the tales eventually….my brain works in flow charts, not straight lines)
Crying Is So Ganster
So, the guy who cried. I’ll call him Pac, because in my mind he reminded me a bit of Tupac. When you look at me– then you look at him–he would be the last person most people would have expected to see me with.
Pac was a smart guy, but he was a little rough around the edges. Despite his struggles, he was a really hard worker, and he was busting his ass to make something of his life. That was some of the first things I liked about him – his intelligence and his work ethic. He was the first guy I dated from Match. We talked for a long time, but obviously nothing came of it.
He liked my poetry and often asked me to send him a poem at the end of the day. Our first date was on a rainy night in the Plaza after we had been talking and texting for a few weeks.
He was obsessed with a certain football team. OB. SESSED. He also loved 90’s hip hop, and was a good father. We went for a drink. He had lots of tattoos, including one on his neck. He was a pretty good looking guy, and frankly I was surprised that he was interested in me.
When we met, he had told me that it was recently the anniversary of his best friend’s death. Not long after, his cousin passed away. About five years prior, he had lost his father–a loss that clearly left a huge hole. After a couple of drinks (him, not me) he opened up about the losses. And, he cried. Despite the Hennessy, he was embarrassed for showing vulnerability. I thought it was endearing.
We went out two more times over the course of several months and continued talking. I liked him, but knew he and I wouldn’t be the kind of thing I was looking for. We wanted different things. Plus, he was so damn flaky. We don’t talk anymore but I often wonder how he’s doing. Not enough to open that all back up, but still, I hope he has accomplished his goals.
The Paradigm of Choice
My dating assessment–“nobody wants to get caught up with the hot dog just in case the steak walks by,” is a very simplistic summary of the paradigm of choice. This is explored more in the book I mentioned a few blogs ago, Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. In short, back in the day most people ended up with someone who lived close to them or who they were around for some reason. Now, we have more options because of the distance eliminating internet–or so we think. Also, back in the day, women couldn’t really make it on their own. They had to pair up in order to leave their parents’ house, so marriage was the logical choice. Now, we need each other less, so we think. We can make it on our own for the most part.
We wait for the perfect person to come along and complete us like Jerry completed Dorothy—or so we think! Because Jerry was a hot mess, and Dorothy was taking a huge chance on him. As a matter of fact, Dorothy was too good for Jerry, but she was vulnerable, and a hopeless romantic, and she overlook his shortcomings to accept him for the man that he almost was.
Or……maybe Dorothy had it right after all. See, now, we are under the illusion that we have sooooo many options that no one wants to ‘settle.” No one wants to take a chance on anyone who isn’t everything they had planned and prayed and visioned for. It’s like eating at a restaurant. You’re reading the menu and everything looks really appetizing and you have a hard time making a choice, a commitment, but then eventually you do. Then maybe you are satisfied, until you are hungry again, or maybe you are disappointed because the dish you chose didn’t live up to your expectations.
So, too many options equals no choices. How do we work around that? Lower standards? Settling? Continuing to wait? Continuing to take chances, forget expectations, and see what happens? I think the last one will be my choice, when I decide I want to try this crap again. But honestly, I don’t know when that will be. I’m good here….
Next time, the guy with all the ghosts. I wasn’t going to write about him, but now I will. And, a review of Bumble.